Saturday, 04 February 2012
It's nights like tonight that I hate.
I'm so tired. I need to shut off the tv, close my computer, and I can't. I can't because I'm afraid all the will come pain crashing down on me as soon as I give myself time to think.
I don't want to bother people with my problems. The only person I have to talk to anyways is Derek, and he's asleep. I'm done with calling for help in the middle of the night- I already know just how well that works. And so I have writing, and distraction, and that works just as well as anything not self-destructive, which I'm not allowing myself to do. I wonder though...if I did...
I still have the razor. It's there just in case. So I have have SOMEthing, if the pain gets too bad. Sometimes I just think about how it used to feel. The blade on my skin, gently at first, and a feeling of power in my fingers. And then pressing down, quick cuts, but long ones, and the way the blood looked beading red on my arm. Intoxicating. Aah but I won't. It was too hard to break the habit. If worse comes to worse I'll resort to damaging my hearing with too-loud music.
We got more pictures of Ivy. She's beautiful. And tonight, looking at them, I wished to myself for the first time that I had kept her.
I keep thinking about ex all the time, and I can't stop. I don't want to. I thought I was past this, but it's like I've regressed. I can't listen to any of the songs he gave me any more, and when I drive past the exit to his house (which I have to do every time I'm visiting boyfriend) he's always on my mind. Half the time I can remember what I saw in him, and wish he had stayed the way he was at the very, very beginning. And the other half of the time I'm filled with hate and rage, visions of punching him in the face and ideas of how I could hurt him like he's hurt me. It's so hard to keep stuff like this just stuffed up inside me, but who's it gonna help if I let it out? Who even wants to hear it anyways.
I decided I'm going to get a tattoo. Of some ivy. I'm not going to show it off to everyone, because that's not why I want it. I want it for me, because I love her, and I always will. ooh life sucks sometimes. I'm going to go...find a sad movie to cry to.