Looked at some lovely apartments today, very exciting. ;) We got sushi at a new place; Osaka's. It was ok, boyfriend's was better than mine. I loooooove sushi. Nom. We also went to build a bear and I got a puppy. His name's Derp. And then we came home and had amazing sex, until I hyperventilated. yaaaaaaaaaaay. It was a good day though, and tomorrow should be awesome too. ;)
Yaaay we're going to look at apartments on sunday or monday! I can't wait! Last year I discovered this adorable cobblestone road behind some stores across from Short Pump Mall, and alongside this road were these really nice, luxurious looking apartments. Inquiry revealed they were right in our price range, so we might actually live there! Right by a health food store! EEE
eh, I've got a headache and I don't know from what. Stupid...walmart. It's all their fault. or something.
I'm so tired. I need to shut off the tv, close my computer, and I can't. I can't because I'm afraid all the will come pain crashing down on me as soon as I give myself time to think.
I don't want to bother people with my problems. The only person I have to talk to anyways is Derek, and he's asleep. I'm done with calling for help in the middle of the night- I already know just how well that works. And so I have writing, and distraction, and that works just as well as anything not self-destructive, which I'm not allowing myself to do. I wonder though...if I did...
I still have the razor. It's there just in case. So I have have SOMEthing, if the pain gets too bad. Sometimes I just think about how it used to feel. The blade on my skin, gently at first, and a feeling of power in my fingers. And then pressing down, quick cuts, but long ones, and the way the blood looked beading red on my arm. Intoxicating. Aah but I won't. It was too hard to break the habit. If worse comes to worse I'll resort to damaging my hearing with too-loud music.
We got more pictures of Ivy. She's beautiful. And tonight, looking at them, I wished to myself for the first time that I had kept her.
I keep thinking about ex all the time, and I can't stop. I don't want to. I thought I was past this, but it's like I've regressed. I can't listen to any of the songs he gave me any more, and when I drive past the exit to his house (which I have to do every time I'm visiting boyfriend) he's always on my mind. Half the time I can remember what I saw in him, and wish he had stayed the way he was at the very, very beginning. And the other half of the time I'm filled with hate and rage, visions of punching him in the face and ideas of how I could hurt him like he's hurt me. It's so hard to keep stuff like this just stuffed up inside me, but who's it gonna help if I let it out? Who even wants to hear it anyways.
I decided I'm going to get a tattoo. Of some ivy. I'm not going to show it off to everyone, because that's not why I want it. I want it for me, because I love her, and I always will. ooh life sucks sometimes. I'm going to go...find a sad movie to cry to.
Today is my mom's birthday- we're going to feast on seafood and it's going to be dericious.
In other news, I brought my dog to sleep over with me at my boyfriend's the other night. It was fuuuunny. Our two jack russells didn't get along so well.
It looks like this apartment thing is really happening, I'm SO excited. I decided I want to do the bathroom in yellow and white, bedroom in red, living room in forest green, and kitchen in blue (like the color on those willow ware plates). I even stopped into Crate and Barrel to look around. Then I saw the prices, laughed, and wished I lived closer to Ikea. Boyfriend, being a boy, doesn't really care what our apartment looks like, as long as he gets to bring his two monitors and his giant-ass TV.
I dreamt about ex two nights in a row. It's never in a sexy way, definitely not. It's not even like a I-wish-we-were back-together dream; I think I'm as over him now as I'll ever be. It's more like in an embarrassing way. It's always him avoiding me because he hates me now, and then us ending up in an awkward situation where we have to be around each other, and I feel like apologizing for even existing. A remnant of my former personality, surviving in my subconscious. THANKS subconscious.
I've lost so much weight since the baby! Yesterday I weighed myself on dad's (possibly grossly inaccurate) scale, and I'm down to 100 lbs! Needless to say I was incredulous. Pre-delivery weight was 150, and pre-conception was 115, with one notable exception of 99 when I ate 1 meal a day for several weeks. Plus my tummy and my tits are still tons bigger than they used to be. Sooo...scumbag scale lies about weight? idk. I'm happy anyway.